Calvin and Hobbes

We're talkinng about Hobbes in Political Theory. Now all I can think about it making a comic strip about a young boy and his imaginary Political Philosopher that believes that humans will easliy kill to secure their own self intrest. I think it would be funny. I'll call it Calvin and Hobbes. How original!

To A Resident:

Phil, You Are A Fucking Tool.



That is all.

Summer Lessons

I told Mom about the university's recomendation of off campus therapy. She told me to give her the names so that we could see which would work with the insurance. But, Im not sure if it's worth it. I've been holding this stuff in aand living with it for so long now. Who's to say I can't keep going with it?

When I was in middle school, I played the Baritone Horn. I was quite good too, second chair. Eventually, my music teacher suggested that take private lessons to get even better, maybe play on the state level. My mom paid twenty bucks a lesson to have me play for one hour during the summer. I quit later that year. All that money was for nothing. Im afraid that this therapy will be the same. Im afraid it won't be worth it, that I'll be wasting money to selfishly sit there and complain about my life for an hour a week. I don't wanna waste the money. I don't want these to be summer lessons.

So Much Shit

Oh my...so much shit is going down. I haven't established the rules to my blog yet, so I guess we are going to take this slow. First of all, I went to the shrink. I told her everything I told you, maybe more. More about myy strong relationship with my mom, and my severed (on my part) relationship with my brother. Did we go into that here, if not then we will eventally. Umm, told her about the sexual disfunction and the bus, and the insomnia.

She's recomended some off-campus people to go to, apparently the University's 12 visit limit isn't enough for the barrel of crazy that's Im working with. The good news is that she says Im probably not sexually disfunctional, Im just looking for instant gratification is all. Also, Im sleeping noramlly again. School starting up has really helped in taking the energy out of me.

I just need to stay positive. Stay positive. Right. I bought a quartz crystal to wear around my neck. I always wanted to be a guy with one of those earthy necklaces like that. I don't think it's working, but it looks nice.

Like I said, school started. Introductory reading is horrible, and makes me want to die. Also, my residents are back, but I have just realized that I have a floor of tools. I guess that's going to be another post.

I do have one solid rule for this blog. This writing is to be my thoughts. I am telling you the story as if you were in my head. That's why all of the writing is so fragmented and short. Anyway, writing this down has given me ideas for at least two more fragmented posts that Im sure no one will read. Now I just need to think of an

Im still alive

Yea, the blog is going to keep going. But, right now I have to get to reading about political ideology. More updates to come, and I'll be personalizing the page. Until then.

In Honor Of DCCised

DC

In your banner, you have a picture of some Washingotn DC building. In the picture, there is a lamp post. The glass shell of one of the lights is crocked. Hanging on by a thread. You are that shell. You don't belong where you are. You are different then the others. I have hope for you. You will be in a better place one day.

Actually, screw you, I want that stuff too.

Is love a finite comodity?

Let's hope not, so i don't have to stab some bitches...

Opening Introductions

Everything around me is so impersonal. The connections with people, skin deep and deceptive. I feel like this is one of my deepest spans of depression (God love a memory that blocks out last year). The insomnia has never been this bad. I haven't gone to sleep before 530am for at least 3 days now. I'm actually starting to become productive at night, that's the scary thing. Making shopping lists, to do lists, getting little things out of the way. This is not normal. This not the way I want it to be. I want to be a happy college student. One with a nice boyfriend. Happiness. Why can't I find it?

I'm going to the University shrink on Monday. They will evaluate me, and then take things from there. So much to tackle, how do I even start? Probably the insomnia brought on depression. One of two disorders inherited by my mother, The other is anxiety, which is what the Paxil is for.

Another topic of discussion, given the depression, will be the potential for suicide. I am not suicidal, but I do, from time to time think about suicide. Every so often, I will be walking to class, and there is this street that all the buses drive through. I'll be waiting at the light, waiting for that little stick man to glow, so that I can be on my way, when I think to myself 'What if I just step out in front of the bus? It would all be done so quickly. Do you think they would think it was an accident? Some college student, good grades, always made jokes. Sadly, he just stepped out into the road at the wrong time. So sad.'

Then, there is the unrealistic(?) expectations I have of love (my parents have been happily married for 25 years this June). Oh, and the whole gay thing is probably important. Not so much that I am gay, just the sexual dysfunction that I have. I like to have cyber sex, and phone sex, and I cam from time to time. Not because I love to get off, but because I want to feel validated sexually. I'm 19, and a virgin too, but I have to say I still think my behavior is unhealthy.

I'm an RA here at my university. I'm open to my residents, and I'm on a guys only floor. I can't help thinking that they respect me to my face, and make fun of me and my gay ways behind my back. I think this because I heard them doing it, hence the first sentence. But, the reason for that sentence serves a deeper meaning. You don't know me. You don't know my name, what I look like, where I live, none of that. But, by reading these short sentence fragments, these jumbled thoughts that have been running through my head, you know the deepest darkest parts of me. You know what no one else knows about me. Maybe, in time, I'll show you the other side. Who knows? I'm a control freak too. I should probably mention that to the shrink.