Opening Introductions

Everything around me is so impersonal. The connections with people, skin deep and deceptive. I feel like this is one of my deepest spans of depression (God love a memory that blocks out last year). The insomnia has never been this bad. I haven't gone to sleep before 530am for at least 3 days now. I'm actually starting to become productive at night, that's the scary thing. Making shopping lists, to do lists, getting little things out of the way. This is not normal. This not the way I want it to be. I want to be a happy college student. One with a nice boyfriend. Happiness. Why can't I find it?

I'm going to the University shrink on Monday. They will evaluate me, and then take things from there. So much to tackle, how do I even start? Probably the insomnia brought on depression. One of two disorders inherited by my mother, The other is anxiety, which is what the Paxil is for.

Another topic of discussion, given the depression, will be the potential for suicide. I am not suicidal, but I do, from time to time think about suicide. Every so often, I will be walking to class, and there is this street that all the buses drive through. I'll be waiting at the light, waiting for that little stick man to glow, so that I can be on my way, when I think to myself 'What if I just step out in front of the bus? It would all be done so quickly. Do you think they would think it was an accident? Some college student, good grades, always made jokes. Sadly, he just stepped out into the road at the wrong time. So sad.'

Then, there is the unrealistic(?) expectations I have of love (my parents have been happily married for 25 years this June). Oh, and the whole gay thing is probably important. Not so much that I am gay, just the sexual dysfunction that I have. I like to have cyber sex, and phone sex, and I cam from time to time. Not because I love to get off, but because I want to feel validated sexually. I'm 19, and a virgin too, but I have to say I still think my behavior is unhealthy.

I'm an RA here at my university. I'm open to my residents, and I'm on a guys only floor. I can't help thinking that they respect me to my face, and make fun of me and my gay ways behind my back. I think this because I heard them doing it, hence the first sentence. But, the reason for that sentence serves a deeper meaning. You don't know me. You don't know my name, what I look like, where I live, none of that. But, by reading these short sentence fragments, these jumbled thoughts that have been running through my head, you know the deepest darkest parts of me. You know what no one else knows about me. Maybe, in time, I'll show you the other side. Who knows? I'm a control freak too. I should probably mention that to the shrink.